Trump’s Threats to Arrest, Deport Mamdani Escalate as NYC Votes
President Discovers New York Has Elections, Immediately Threatens Someone
In what political analysts are calling “a Tuesday,” President Donald Trump has escalated his threats to arrest and deport NYC Council Member Zohran Mamdani, the Democratic Socialists of America candidate who apparently committed the unforgivable crime of running for mayor while existing.
Trump, speaking at a rally in Florida where he definitely wasn’t supposed to be campaigning during work hours, called Mamdani a “communist lunatic” and threatened to withhold federal funds from New York City. The President’s threat marks the first time in American history that a sitting commander-in-chief has promised to arrest someone for the offense of believing in affordable housing.
When You’re So Far Left You Circle Back to Being Arrestable
Mamdani’s crime wave includes proposing a 2% tax on billionaires, supporting public housing, and the apparently treasonous act of suggesting that maybe Wall Street executives shouldn’t get to decide who governs the largest city in America. Trump called this platform “worse than anything I’ve ever seen,” which is remarkable coming from a man who once stared directly at a solar eclipse.
“This guy wants to tax billionaires,” comedian Dave Chappelle said at his show in Ohio. “Like that’s somehow worse than letting them buy elections. At least Mamdani’s honest about it. He’s like, ‘Yeah, I’m coming for your yacht money.’ Trump’s over here acting like Mamdani personally insulted his gold toilet.”
The Art of the Threat
The President’s threat to arrest Mamdani raises several constitutional questions, primarily: which Constitution is Trump reading, and is it available in pop-up book format? Legal experts note that threatening to arrest political opponents for speech and candidacy violates roughly 47% of the Bill of Rights, which puts it somewhere between “moderately unconstitutional” and “did someone let him watch too much Putin again?”
“I love how Trump thinks he can just arrest people now,” Bill Burr said during his podcast. “Like he’s discovered this new presidential power. ‘Nobody told me I could do this! I’ve been wasting time with Twitter!’ Meanwhile, the Constitution is in the corner crying.”
The deportation threat is particularly creative, given that Mamdani was born in London to Indian parents, immigrated legally to the United States, became a naturalized citizen, and has probably filled out more government paperwork than Trump has ever read. But in Trump’s defense, he’s always struggled with the concept that brown people can actually be Americans on purpose.
Billionaires React by Reaching for Checkbooks and Smelling Salts
The threats came as billionaires collectively lost their minds over the prospect of paying slightly more in taxes. Sources close to several hedge fund managers report they’ve been stress-eating caviar and ugly-crying into their Teslas.
“These rich guys are terrified,” Trevor Noah said on his podcast. “They’re acting like Mamdani wants to take their money. No, bro, he wants to tax it. There’s a difference. One is robbery, the other is called civilization.”
Federal Funds or Federal Tantrums
Trump’s threat to withhold federal funding represents his go-to move when dealing with cities that refuse to bend the knee. It’s essentially the presidential equivalent of taking your ball and going home, except the ball is disaster relief funding and home is a golf course in Florida.
“Withholding money from New York,” Amy Schumer said in her Brooklyn show. “That’s his move. It’s like breaking up with someone by stealing their Netflix password. Petty? Yes. Effective? Also yes. Constitutional? Who cares anymore?”
The Office of Management and Budget has reportedly been fielding questions about whether you can legally defund a city because the President doesn’t like one guy. Spoiler alert: you can’t, but that hasn’t stopped anything else, so why start now?
Communist or Just Competent? America Struggles to Tell the Difference
Trump’s “communist lunatic” label has become his favorite descriptor for anyone who suggests that maybe healthcare shouldn’t cost more than a mortgage. By this logic, every other developed nation is apparently governed by the Bolsheviks.
“Communist lunatic,” Chris Rock said at the Comedy Store. “That’s just Trump-speak for ‘this guy read a book.’ Mamdani wants universal pre-K? Communist. Affordable housing? Lunatic. Not grabbing women? Completely un-American.”
Political scientists note that Mamdani’s platform is actually closer to 1960s moderate Republican positions than anything Marx ever wrote, but nuance died somewhere around 2016 and nobody’s bothered to revive it.
The Endorsement Nobody Asked For
“Trump threatening to arrest me is probably the best endorsement I could get,” Ricky Gervais said while reading the news in London. “If Trump hates you, you’re probably doing something right. It’s like getting a bad review from a food critic who thinks ketchup is spicy.”
The threats have actually boosted Mamdani’s fundraising, proving once again that Trump’s political instincts are roughly as sharp as a bowling ball. Every time he attacks Mamdani, another thousand New Yorkers donate. It’s like a reverse psychology campaign run by someone who doesn’t understand regular psychology.
Democracy Dies in Threats, Apparently
As the election approaches, Trump has promised to “personally oversee” what happens if Mamdani wins, which is presumably code for “tweet angry things at 3 AM.” The President’s obsession with a city council member turned mayoral candidate suggests he either has too much time on his hands or not enough crimes to commit.
“This is what happens when you give a narcissist Twitter and nuclear codes,” Kevin Hart said during his LA show. “He can’t just let people vote. He’s gotta make it about him. ‘Oh, you’re having an election? Let me threaten somebody real quick.'”
Legal observers note that the President’s threats constitute textbook election interference, but since we’re apparently living in the Upside Down now, everyone’s just shrugging and moving on.
“I’ve seen clearer separation of powers in a kindergarten,” Sarah Silverman said on her podcast. “Trump thinks being President means he can do whatever he wants. Buddy, that’s called being a king, and we literally had a whole war about that.”
New York’s Response: A Collective Eye Roll
New Yorkers, who have spent decades perfecting the art of telling people to go fuck themselves without saying a word, have responded to Trump’s threats with their traditional mix of disdain and middle fingers. The President’s approval rating in NYC currently sits somewhere between “subway rat” and “Times Square Elmo.”
“New Yorkers don’t scare easy,” Jerry Seinfeld said at the Comedy Cellar. “You want to threaten us? Get in line behind the rats, the rent, and the fact that the L train exists. Trump’s just another Tuesday.”
As voting continues, one thing remains clear: Trump has successfully united New York City. Unfortunately for him, they’re united against him.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
