Billionaires Pour $19 Million into Anti-Mamdani Campaign as Wall Street Braces for Impact
Rich People Discover Democracy Costs Money, Ironically Hate It
In what financial analysts are calling “the most expensive tantrum since the 2008 bailout,” Bill Ackman, Dan Loeb, and Michael Bloomberg have collectively dumped $19 million into defeating Zohran Mamdani, the NYC mayoral candidate whose crime is suggesting that maybe billionaires could contribute to the city they’ve been gentrifying for decades. The spending spree represents the largest amount of money ever spent to avoid paying slightly more money.
Ackman, who made his fortune betting against companies and then publicly announcing it, has personally contributed $1.75 million to anti-Mamdani efforts. This is the same amount he probably spends on watch maintenance, but apparently, the principle of not paying taxes is worth fighting for.
When Buying Democracy Becomes Too Expensive
“These guys are spending $19 million to avoid a 2% tax,” Dave Chappelle said at his show. “Do the math. How much money do you need to have for that to make sense? They’re literally spending money to not spend money. That’s rich people logic. That’s like buying a yacht to avoid buying a boat.”
The Wall Street coalition’s strategy involves flooding the airwaves with ads depicting Mamdani as everything from a communist to the Antichrist, depending on which focus group tested better. One ad literally shows him with glowing red eyes, which is technically slanderous but apparently legal if you have enough money.
Bill Ackman’s Billion Dollar Concerns
Ackman, whose net worth fluctuates more than a cryptocurrency, has been particularly vocal about his opposition. The hedge fund manager took to Twitter to explain why paying taxes would destroy civilization as we know it, a position he maintains while living in a city built entirely on tax revenue.
“Ackman’s out here crying about a 2% tax,” Bill Burr said during his podcast. “Brother, you make more in interest while you sleep than most people make in a year. You’ll survive. Maybe you’ll have to sell one of your houses. Oh no. How will you cope? Which mansion will you cry in?”
The billionaire’s opposition to Mamdani centers on the candidate’s proposal for a modest wealth tax, which Ackman claims will drive business out of New York. This is the same argument rich people have made about every tax increase since the Magna Carta, and yet, mysteriously, they’re all still here.
Dan Loeb Joins the Panic Brigade
Hedge fund manager Dan Loeb has contributed several million to the cause, apparently believing that democracy works better when the people with the most money get the most votes. Loeb, who once called teachers’ unions “thugs,” is now concerned about the “intimidation tactics” of a guy who wants to fund public schools.
“Dan Loeb calling anyone thugs,” Trevor Noah said. “That’s rich. This is a guy who makes money by destroying companies and firing workers. But sure, the real thugs are the people who want kids to have books. Makes total sense.”
Bloomberg’s Bottomless Pockets Open Again
Michael Bloomberg, who previously spent over $1 billion running for president only to win American Samoa, has apparently decided that NYC’s mayoral race is a better investment. The former mayor has funneled millions into defeating Mamdani, proving that money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you a never-ending ability to meddle in elections.
“Bloomberg spent a billion dollars and all he got was American Samoa,” Chris Rock said at the Comedy Store. “Now he’s back trying to buy another election. That’s not democracy, that’s a hobby. A really expensive hobby. Like collecting Ferraris, except the Ferraris are politicians and they keep breaking down.”
The Bloomberg operation has created a network of PACs with names like “New Yorkers for Fiscal Responsibility” and “Coalition for Common Sense,” which is billionaire-speak for “Please Don’t Make Us Pay for Things.”
The Cost of Buying Silence
The $19 million being spent represents just a fraction of what these billionaires would pay under Mamdani’s proposed tax plan, making this the most cost-effective investment in tax avoidance since offshore banking was invented. It’s essentially buying democracy wholesale instead of retail.
“They’re spending $19 million on ads,” Amy Schumer said in Brooklyn. “That money could’ve housed homeless people, fed kids, fixed the subway. But no, they’d rather spend it on attack ads. Because God forbid they contribute to society. That would be communism. Or as the rest of the world calls it, living in a functional country.”
Wall Street’s Greatest Fear: Accountability
The financial sector’s opposition to Mamdani isn’t really about the tax rate. It’s about the precedent. If New York starts expecting billionaires to contribute to the city’s infrastructure, what’s next? Expecting them to follow labor laws? Not crashing the global economy every decade? The horror.
“Wall Street’s scared,” Kevin Hart said at his show. “Not of the tax. They’re scared of the idea. The idea that maybe they should give back. That’s terrifying to them. They’ve spent decades not giving back. Now someone’s asking them to chip in and they’re acting like it’s the French Revolution.”
Financial analysts note that a 2% wealth tax on billionaires would generate hundreds of millions in revenue for NYC, money that could fund schools, public housing, and infrastructure. The billionaires’ response has been essentially “but what about my feelings?”
The Art of the Strategic Tantrum
The anti-Mamdani campaign has deployed every trick in the billionaire playbook: threatening to leave town, claiming economic disaster, and suggesting that making them pay taxes is somehow discriminatory. It’s the political equivalent of a toddler threatening to hold their breath until they get candy.
“These guys always threaten to leave,” Ricky Gervais said during his show. “Go ahead. Leave. See what happens. Spoiler: the city will survive without you. Other rich people will move in. That’s how capitalism works. Supply and demand. Except when it comes to paying taxes, then suddenly capitalism is bad.”
Democracy for Sale, Slightly Used
“What kills me is the hypocrisy,” Sarah Silverman said on her podcast. “These guys love capitalism until it means they have to contribute. Then it’s all ‘this is unfair’ and ‘I’m being persecuted.’ Brother, you’re not being persecuted. You’re being asked to participate in society. That’s different.”
The campaign finance system has essentially legalized bribery, allowing billionaires to spend unlimited amounts to influence elections. The fact that this is legal doesn’t make it any less corrupt, it just makes the corruption official.
The Price of Admission to New York’s Future
As the spending continues, ordinary New Yorkers are left wondering why their votes should matter less than Bill Ackman’s checkbook. The answer, according to the billionaires, is “because we have more money,” which is at least refreshingly honest.
“They’re buying the election,” Jerry Seinfeld said at the Comedy Cellar. “That’s what this is. They’re literally purchasing the outcome they want. And we’re all just supposed to pretend this is normal. ‘Oh, billionaires spending millions to avoid taxes? Just Tuesday in America!’ No. This is insane. This is literally oligarchy with extra steps.”
The $19 million being deployed against Mamdani could’ve funded after-school programs for thousands of kids, but that would require caring about something other than protecting wealth. Instead, it’s being used to convince voters that the guy trying to help them is actually their enemy.
When Wealth Equals Speech, Silence is Expensive
“Citizens United was a mistake,” Tom Segura said during his special. “It said money is speech. Cool. So poor people just don’t get to talk? The Supreme Court basically said, ‘Democracy is great, as long as rich people get more of it.’ And now we’re shocked that billionaires are buying elections? This is what we signed up for.”
Legal experts note that while this level of spending is technically legal, it makes a mockery of democratic principles. But since making a mockery of democratic principles is basically America’s national pastime at this point, everyone’s just shrugging and moving on.
As the election approaches, the billionaire class has made their position clear: they’ll spend whatever it takes to maintain a system where they don’t have to spend anything at all. It’s the kind of circular logic that only makes sense when you’re rich enough to make reality optional.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
